"THE LAST TIME" I used crystal meth for the last time September 12, 2005. It was a usual phone call, although less usual after 90 days clean time, none the less the call ended with "OK, I'll come pick you up". Then it all began - racing heart, tingling extremities, anticipation, closing down all chances to turn back; ya, this will be good.

The needle has that familiar sting, and then my mind goes into something where I am completely suspended in the moment. I mean, really into it; everything is as never before, anything and everything feels so damn good right now. What was I thinking. This is what it's all about, the almighty high, 3 days of sexual inhibitions released, the mere idea of staying awake for 3 days without having to work at it, other than one more shot in the arm- what was I thinking.

After 3 days, I surrender; why not? The world is a pretty cool place right now and I have no more meth. As I drift off into the unknown zone, reality just starts to show its ugly face; then I sleep. When I wake, the world is no longer the beautiful place as it was before; nothing feels good, sex in meaningless. I need to sleep lots more, but can't. No shot in the arm could possibly help this depression. And, I am seriously questioning if life is worth living any more.

I go back again, I confess my behavior again. Why? I try so painfully hard, suffering and sitting with that Suffering- trying to make sense of it all, why can't I just stop?

I do not use crystal meth now. I am so very happy to say now with conviction that was the last time.

My name is Dan Westerhold; I wrote the above essay as a means of expressing my three plus years of crystal meth addiction. I am trying to be as honest as I can. Sure, we remember the high, but the low, that horrible deep depression always prevails in the end.

After a year in recovery and numerous relapses, I needed to make a decision, a difficult but simple decision. I could no longer run from my issues, my behavior needed to change, I had to learn to control my thoughts. With the help of my friends, family, counselors, support groups, meetings, and meditation I was able to go within myself and make the necessary changes to overcome my addiction. I am still working on those changes; my life is more positive now that I ever imagined it could be.

I can not choose the right path for anyone's recovery; only you can make that decision. However, if you are on this web page you have taken a major step to end your addiction. Please do not give up, no matter how difficult it may be or how many times you fall, know that it does gets better. Do it now or forever wish you did.